it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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