Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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