I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This house was built for laser tag.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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