so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
