you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i came on her dog
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
