I accidentally had phone sex last night
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
