if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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