The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
