He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
