A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
