i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
