so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
