is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
