sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
