so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
