If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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