I am in a vortex of obligation.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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