I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
