He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
