On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
