3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
