Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
