I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
