Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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