two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
