You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
