Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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