I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
