For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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