1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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