it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I could make wine with my vomit
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
