i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
