A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
two words: eviction party
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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