Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
