Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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