I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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