I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
