I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
