I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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