I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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