no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think we might need a safe word for this...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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