I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
