If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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