Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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