Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
