My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
