Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
