Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
The air taste purple.
Randomize
