my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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