somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
