Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
