if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
